Penniless Tim

January 21, 2011

Therapeutic writing

Filed under: Humor,writing — Tim @ 11:11 pm

I am in a paradigm reversal and hereby proclaim, “I’m writing to entertain, amuse, and satisfy only one person – myself!”

And Tim said, “Let there be a Penniless Tim blog!’  And it was so.  Venting against a neighbor, I created the Penniless Tim blog as a cheap, non-confrontational, anger management session- a therapeutic written verbalization oxymoron with an anonymous syntax.  I liked writing what I wrote!  It was mental yoga.

Since previous writing ventures were an annual Christmas card (kids want a quarterly Christmas), my subject matter was wide open.  Naive Tim posted a story about speech class and, like they say, everything is found on the internet.  The post had 11 views, one positive comment, and another viewer ‘liked’ the site.  Eleven views without even trying, what if I really tried?  Do you think the New York Times will contact me?  Book deals?  New career?  I achieved a spontaneous, instantaneous internet addiction; WordPress was my crack pipe and people views my fix.  The WordPress dashboard, flush with bar chart statistics, lured me into the dark, sinister, and nefarious blogging world.

I scoured other blog sites using the WordPress website as a jumping off point.  Reading blog postings, I would add a quick comment – a cookie crumb back to my site.  Initially, I read the author’s writings.  Eventually, I half read, half scanned sites intent on leaving an enticing, tasty morsel in the comment section.  Lure these unsuspecting souls back to Penniless Tim where they could read stories of hamsters or mail carriers gone wild.  Membership became required on a facebook group encouraging WordPress posts – email updates around the clock.  I began sneaking onto the computer, glancing at statistics, visualizing throngs reading my writings.  My wife would catch me on the computer and inquire, “What are you looking at?”

“Just looking up old girlfriend’s on facebook and watching a Victoria’s Secrets ad!”, replied I in a lie.

Finally, the hard work payed off as a January 7 post went viral.  35 out of 1,966,514,816 internet users (give or take a user) viewed Penniless Tim – .00000000000508% of the market cornered.  Addiction intensified!  Nicotine, alcohol, nor crystal meth could alleviate the bar chart view craving.  My mind raced into absurd thoughts, “Thirty-five views today, thirty-five million views tomorrow!”

Day after day, hour after hour, I babysat the bar chart as chores were ignored, diapers unchanged, and dinners left untouched.  I screamed at the screen, “Grow bar chart!  Grow @%&# you!  Subscribe, subscribe!  Like my site!  Like me!  Comment, I dare you!”

The evil scientific writer within plotted insidious plans intent on bar chart growth.  Visiting the local library, I navigated to Penniless Tim (one more bar on the chart) and left my site as a favorite on the browser.  Then I posted a story no one can resist – dessert.  The post snared 15 viewers the first day, narrowly missing the 35 million target.  “Bah, ha, ha,” I gleefully chortled, “another 34,999,965 views and victory shall be mine! ”

Day two hooked five viewers followed by a single day three viewer. On day four, I emailed my wife and twenty close relatives with a flashing neon Penniless Tim hyperlink subject line and a message body promising peace in the middle east, a cure for poverty, an end to suffering, and an honest politician if they only visit Penniless Tim.  Would my blog seduction work?  Two views on day four –  a pubescent teenage boy searching for Girls Gone Wild (probably just a bit disappointed) and a nine year old boy seeking hamster training tips.  Was the honest politician promise too far fetched?  Were my emails blocked by a spam filter?  No!  My mother, father, wife, brothers, sisters, simply ignored the blinking bold font hyperlink.  Infuriated, I boldly confronted my wife with a scowl, controlled my passion, and muttered, “Hey Tiger, did you get the email about my latest Penniless Tim link?”

“Oh yeah, I got it,” she calmly replied, ” but I didn’t read it.  You’ve told me all those stories a thousand times.  I’m sure its nice, though.”

The truth dug in its steely claws – the New York Times won’t be calling and the book deal is dead.  My wife won’t even read the blog!  Sadness flooded down as a wave of cold sweat permeated my body, yet I felt a strange sense of relief.  Realities gravity pulled me in from the blogsphere orbit and the pressure of thousand word posts was lifted from computer hunched shoulders.  Realistic goals such as winning the lottery or the kindergarten newsletter mystery writer replaced blogging utopia.  WordPress Posts had become leg lifts with Staff Sergeant Norbeck1, United States Marine Corps, shouting taunts, “Scott, some of us just don’t belong here. Do we?”

Staff Sergeant Norbeck1, United States Marine Corps, was correct.  Blogging should be therapy, not work.  Suddenly, subtle hints previously conveniently ignored became crystal clear.  “I can’t spell penniless or why do you want people to think your poor or it sounds like you were in an accident and became a girl (you will have to think about that one)” burst forth from darkness into the light.  Then Penniless Tim thought of something he hadn’t before!  “Maybe blogging,” he thought, “doesn’t come from a view.  Maybe blogging…perhaps…means a little bit more!  And what happened then…?”2

I am writing for my own enjoyment!  My blog shall be selfish, self serving, and serve its original purpose – an outlet for me.  No longer shall I even contemplate what others think.  If I want to post yesterday’s honey do list or today’s to do list (I repeat myself), I’ll make a post, skip spell check, and ignore punctuation.  If a neighbor kicks my dog, I’ll write a post about it – there’s a 99.9999999999492% he’ll never even see it.  The dashboard is blacklisted and never again will Penniless Tim email announcements flood the Ethernet cloud.  I’m not moderating comments, likes, or subscriptions – write anything you want, subscribe, describe, prescribe, and it’ll post without emails flooding my inbox (well, maybe a light sprinkle was possible).  If I find a great video or picture, it may be post without any description, text, or title because its visually pleasing to me, myself, and I.  And speaking of a novel idea, I may actually write stories on paper with a pencil – call me a radical innovator.

Now one more thing – could there be a worse name than Penniless Tim?  I can’t spell the darn thing and who wants to be poor.  Society struggles spelling I without a spell checker – how can they handle pennilesstim?  I’m creating a new WordPress persona and cashing Penniless Tim in.  JimWithaT.com, UpToMyNeckInDebt.com, HouseMortgageUpsideDown.com, and HowToRetireAt89.com all came into mind, but I need easy.  After hours and hours of not contemplating about it, I’m moving to http://timfortim.wordpress.com/.  And to all of the 1,966,514,781 people missing my blog, I’m just fine with it.

Wow, I already feel better!

1 Staff Sergeant Norbeck, United States Marine Corps, was my drill instructor for 18 weeks. We could only address him using his full title. I’m afraid if I do not address him properly, he will hunt me down and force me to do hop ‘n’ pops.
2 Plagiarized a line from Dr. Seuss How The Grinch Stole Christmas

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