Penniless Tim

January 7, 2011

A Hamster is leading Santa’s sleigh

Filed under: Children,Christmas — Tim @ 11:02 am
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It all started the night before Christmas when nothing was stirring except a spouse.  Michelle analyzed the children gifts and determined child number one of five (Gavin, our ten year old blond headed Christmas worshiper)  was missing the wow factor.  The guitar, six pounds of chocolate, high powered telescope, and 47 other gifts were deemed as lacking oomph.  Having imbibed an adult eggnog and with several lengthy toy construction tasks lying ahead, a Grinchland (stores open on Christmas) visit was deemed inappropriate.  Michelle and I began to ‘grainstorm’ (brainstorming after a few barley pops).

Dismissing ideas such as shaving Sister Lulu (the pet dog) and telling Gavin it was a rare giant Chinese hamster, we brilliantly opted on a Pet Smart hamster gift card.  Only one small problem existed – Pet Smart was closed.  Our resident graphic designer, Michelle, took matters into her own talented hands. Plying her Macintosh, she created a faux Pet Smart gift certificate, signed by Santa, good towards a Teddy Bear hamster.  We sneaked the certificate into Gavin’s stocking and congratulated ourselves on our cleverness.

Excitement permeated the nighttime air and sleepy children were not sleepy.  The munchkins thought Christmas morning came at 1 AM;  raced to beat Santa at 3 AM; gave it a college try at 5 AM; finally made Christmas official at 7 AM with two very sleep parents.  Five children raced downstairs and began devouring wrapping paper, inhaling glitter, and sacking stocking as Mom and Dad found wakefulness in a mug, very large mug, of coffee.

With caffeinated Christmas excitement, we watched Gavin sink into his stocking, pluck out the faux certificate, read the words, and comprehend the meaning.  Opa!  Score one for Michelle and Tim’s grain brain brilliance – Gavin scored an eleven out of ten on the wow factor.

… story to be continued (trying to keep my once a week blog commitment – is this cheating?)

December 10, 2010

Christmas 2010

Filed under: Christmas,Humor — Tim @ 12:45 am
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Dear Family, Friends, Friends of Family, Family of Friends, and Friendly Familiar Faces,

I hope everyone is doing well in these difficult economic times as we all pray for upcoming prosperity.  It was a good year for the Scott family except for the untimely demise of Blackie and White, our much beloved (and ignored) pet hamsters.  Who knew the little fellas couldn’t fend for themselves during our vacation? As with almost everyone, the recession forced us to tighten our belts and use a little fiscal creativity implementing the following money saving ideas:  ignore weeds and pull when roots are established and deep – free yard aeration and no ugly lawn of the month sign in the front yard;  send children to neighbor’s houses at dinner time – free kid meals and fewer dishes;  purchase rickshaw for grocery store visits  – decrease gas costs and lessen child obesity;  purchase taxidermy kit and convert Blackie and Whitey into stocking stuffers – one less Christmas expense and no clogged toilet;  the child tax credit – kids are practically making money for us!

Michelle continues to lead the house in number of fairy tales read, lunches fed, band-aids applied,  snacks supplied,  dinners served, tantrums observed, beds made, bills paid, diapers changed, rooms rearranged, polished brass, kicking ..  stuff (confession after that profession), toilets cleaned, friends screened, cocoa mugs, baby hugs, doctor’s patients and praying for patience.  She even squeezed in a design project for a new company, Lickity Spit,  selling stylized envelope sealers; however,  Michelle didn’t really expectorate much income (hard pun to swallow).

Tim’s status (married, employed, father, Caucasian) remained status quo,  but he did experience a mid life crisis or two.  Initially, he quit his job on a Friday and became a downtown Atlanta street performer earning tips through interpretive dance of computer code (a.k.a. a square dance).   After returning home owing $50, he resumed his job on Monday (fortuitously, he accidentally emailed his parents the resignation letter; unfortunately, he’s out of the family will) .  Tim also began  growing taller while becoming thinner (family height supremacy within his tip toe reach) ; tragically, a Google search  identified pant sizes being in waist/inseam order and not the other way around (from Wilt the Stilt to Percy the Penguin).

Gavin is our blond headed boy with a gold heart and untied shoes.  An avid reader, we have to get his nose out of the books (a good problem to have).  Gavin loves all the holidays (contemplating an Easter Bunny tattoo) and produced empirical evidence Santa exists saying, “Mom and Dad are way too cheap to buy all those gifts.”

Luke John (you can call him Mathew, Mark, Luke, and John for short) loves baseball, Leonardo Da Vinci,  and anything mechanical.  Not your typical eight year old’s hero,  Da Vinci’s mechanical drawings fascinate Luke.  Drawing renaissance inspiration, he built an Ornithopter Flying Machine out of legos, attached a giant crossbow, and flew it to his baseball game where he pitched an inning of hit-less baseball, allowing only 5 runs (4 errors, 3 walks, 2 hit batsmen, and 1 arrow pierced coach).

Laurel is our daredevil in a dress, already achieving a full frontal flip (right over her bicycle’s front handlebars).  At Disney World, she shamed the boys into riding the roller coaster.  Speed is her best friend and a bicycle helmet is Mom’s best friend.  Laurel is also a soccer dynamo, but she may give up the sport – they won’t let her wear a dress and the uniforms aren’t pink.

Visualize a three year old drinking six cups of coffee, chewing gum, singing Queen’s We Will Rock You, and commanding your complete undivided attention – you now know Sophia from the moment she wakes up (6 AM)  until the second she crashes at night.  We thought staying overnight in a cemetery alone was scary, but nothing is more terrifying than Sophia upstairs by herself.  She is sugar and spice – either causing trouble or making the entire family laugh as she hugs everyone.  Sophia is Sophia!

Amelia has now supplanted Laurel as Lulu’s best friend.   Amazing what rewarding begging with a few table scraps can do (Lulu may have been a politician in a previous life).  Turning two in March, Amelia is everyone’s baby girl and she knows it (even demands it).  She loves hugs and hates being ignored.  Love me, hug me, and kiss me or I’ll kick you in the shin is her Modus operandi.  Just in case you didn’t know, Lulu is our pet dog, not our sixth child.

Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel” – Matthew 1:23.  God is with us – then, now, and forever more.

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