Penniless Tim

December 18, 2010

Writer’s Womb

Filed under: Birth,Children,Humor — Tim @ 12:05 am

I wrote the following letter about three weeks before the birth of our first child and sent it to both sets of soon to be grandparents (for the umpteenth time).  Gavin was born on 9/10/2000.


Dear Grandma and Grandpa,

Since I had a moment to spare, I decided to squeeze out a quick letter (before Mommy squeezes me out–ouch).  You wouldn’t believe the favors I had to promise just to get a crayon and paper.  And do you know how difficult it is to write when you’re balanced on your head and your feet are tucked behind your ears?  Try it!  Crossing t’s and dotting i’s just won’t seem very important, so excuse me if I dangle a few modifiers.  I also want you to know that you should consider yourself mighty special, because I don’t write for just any Uncle Tom or Aunt Amy.  Now if Mommy would just get a little closer to the lamp and Daddy moved his hand off my butt, I could see something and knock this letter out.

I’m really excited to see you soon, but I just can’t decide on a date.  The quarters here might be a little tight (thank goodness I didn’t take in a womb mate), but the room service is excellent and you can’t beat the rent.  For entertainment, I just push on Mommy’s bladder and watch her run (it’s really fun to do it right in the middle of a movie).  I also get quite tickled when I stick my rear end out as far as it will go and Mommy and Daddy think it’s my head (I’ll be worried if they get it mixed up next month).  I tried to get cable TV, but they aren’t servicing my area yet (I’m probably too mature for MTV anyway).  I could almost stay in here forever, but a good hug from my grandparents is just too tempting (and I expect, no demand, many, many hugs and kisses).

I may also have to get out of here pretty quickly because I’m worried about Daddy. He puts his hand on Mommy’s belly and all I have to do is kick.  He gets so excited you’d think he won the lottery.   I’m tempted to hum a little ditty from Beethoven’s 5th Symphony, but he’d probably wet his diaper (adults wear diapers–don’t they?).  I really think Daddy needs to get a life.

Before I come out, I want to make one more point.  All everyone talks about is how much Mommy and Daddy’s life is going to change when I arrive.  Well what about me?  Do you know how much my life is going to change?  No more breakfast in bed.  No more climate-controlled house to myself.  They probably won’t let me eat chocolate for years.  And no doubt I shall have to entertain my parents.  A little smile here, a little coo there.  Oh, the pressure!  And you think Mom’s have it rough during delivery.  The next time you walk by the kitchen drain, try to stick your head through it.  Now you know what I have to look forward to.  You better have a big hug ready for me, because I’m going to need it.

Well I better get to bed.  I was a little rambunctious yesterday and didn’t get enough sleep–only 23 1/2 hours.  I can hardly wait to see you soon, Grandma and Grandpa.  My Daddy says I will be the smartest and most beautiful baby every because I’m descended from good genes (do you wear Levis?).  I love you more than all the baby food in the world.

Love, From your biggest fan,
Baby S #1

P.S. – I’ve been sending subliminal messages to my Mom, but I doubt if they’ll name me “The Calico Kid.”

My oldest boy



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